Oh hello, i didn't see you over there, i was busy fixing my fence...

I am not in the mood to write in my blog right now. I was all geared up and ready to go earlier but now im not feeling it. oh wait FAKEOUT!

So what has happened as of late in my life? I suppose good things mostly. I've gotten to know some really great people in my lab and they really appreciate me and understand how awesome i am. I also seem to be academically challenged and furthering my abilities as a researcher and pathologist so i suppose thats all good news. I think the longer im in my job the more i realize how lucky i am and how great of a place it is. So i guess im basically just sitting in a bed of roses arent i? Well... i am keeping pretty busy. I suppose its a good thing to stay busy although the major drawback there is minimal energy available for reaching out to friends.
That always seems to be the case; improving one facet of life results in minimizing another. It is so difficult to juggle and lacking that skill has plagued me foooorrrreeeevvveeerrrr. However, with personal abilities aside, I truely believe that there simply just isnt enough time for people to keep all aspects of their life running full tilt at once, things need to suffer for improving other areas. I guess this isn't really a big problem, it's just one of those 'judgement call' things on which things are important in life. If i was a Sim, i guess im working towards getting work skill points while not really "brushing my teeth and heading right over" to a friends house.
Dont get me wrong, friendship is a VERY important part of life and my friends are very meaningful and cherished in my mind, but like not only do i need to juggle which friend is currently first in the proverbial line of whom to visit, but also i have family obligations and various self endeavors to focus on. For example, I have been helping open up the shore house with my parents doing lots of maintenance and chores... ive also signed up for the GRE again, and dont forget about work. I actually just put together an academic poster of my research for a graduation dinner, and also just gave a department talk to my entire floor on my research. Yes one of those bonnefied, working-world, power-pointed, ultra-hyphenated, presentations... lazer pointer, pizza lunch will be provided, and the whole 9 yards.
It went well by the way but the point im trying to make is that a lot is on my plate right now and im beginning to feel the crunch in being able to squeeze all my friends into the midsts of it.

I have to say, im so glad that things like Andrew and Nancy's wedding happen because it was a great opportunity to see some people i havent seen in way too long. I hope that theres an opportunity for another get together soon, maybe i can convince everyone to go to LBI asap. I do feel guilty though being that i havent been doing the driving to others places, as of late. Its not that i dont want to, its just that i dont have the combined time and vacation time with everything else going on... i hope everyone understands.

oh hey my sister is going to switzerland for 2 weeks starting this sunday. isnt that wild? Who wants swiss chocolate? i am thinking of making her a list of what i want...

Samuel Adams Chocolate Bock, a review.

The Samuel Adams Chocolate Bock never falters in delivering a cool, smooth full bodied beer. From the very first sip to the remnants of the last drop, this beer surely will not disappoint the dark beer drinking fan (dbdf). Upon opening this brewery masterpiece, I was reminded of its glory in 2001, in which New Zealand GOLD gave it the title of International Award Winner #29. At this point, I savored the aroma which this fantastic beer has to offer. Only limited edition dark beers have ever achieved this sweet malty scent. the taste simply can not be described any better than smooth. It's dark color due to long roasting has an undoubtedly chocolaty taste with subtle nutty overtones. I recall once having a beer of similar caliber in Australia. It was the XXXX extra dark bitter which was so filling yet delicious that you will always remember the experience.

This dark brown beer has a slight amber hue when looking at an angle. It also has a lovely aftertaste just like the original sip, only slightly milder, like a baby rocking off to sleep in a cloud of pillows and golden sheets. When admiring quantity, the bottle yielded 2 and 3/4 glasses of delicious beer. It was also of a higher alcohol content than most other brews at 5.5% alc/vol. Not only does this beer deliver quantity, but quality as well. I highly recommend this beer to any fan of dark beers as it surely will not disappoint. Furthermore, the bottle itself comes in a design which is classic, yet bold; It offers a brilliant silvery molded label adorned on front with extra information on the back panel. The bottle was also sealed with silver foil which added to its appeal and cleanliness. I had no difficulty opening it and considering it was consumed within the last month of it's best enjoy date, it provided excellent flavor, just the right amount of light carbonation, and plenty of consistency. I give it Five Broccoli Rabs Up.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Rob-out

Reflecting

Trying to understand and come to terms with who we are as people is often a thing that is done during the twenty somethings. The more I reflect on it and see others doing the same makes me want to move on. Im going to guess that I find this distasteful because everyone is doing it. It is almost like im treating this like a fad which I want to be on the cusp of, not stuck riding the coat tails. Isnt it ironic that although im disgusted with self reflection that I cant help but continue? Its a horrible horrible addiction and I need help. The first step is admitting that there is a problem, right?

Some people might agree that I tend to do things because it will help separate me from the pack. I like to be singled out, usually for good things, but ill settle for weird or entertaining. I bet that my self reflections and or attempt at writing intellectual thoughts on a web blog are far from entertaining, but I think the personality quirk still holds to prove a point. I suppose maybe wanting to be different helps one avoid looking at the mirror in a sense. When you aren't reminded of what you do, it removes most options to, reflect and see what you might look like doing the same thing. So perhaps I want to avoid reflecting after all. Maybe I dont like doing it in the first place. Maybe I just like the idea of perceiving problems and analyzing them, but not really facing my own. Well, im sure as its human nature to self improve, i must like to do some reflection and problem facing. However, what wins out? The avoidance or the facing problems? Maybe neither and that I just like to analyze issues.

After successfully? avoiding the previous question, I am going to segway into careers. Will a career in pathology be satisfying enough for me? It certainly matches my interest for looking at problems and it does incorporate a handful of aesthetics, working with my hands, and poses challenges/ puzzles for me to continually learn new things. However, I am struggling to decide if it has enough human contact for me. I not only think that human interaction is important for a job, but also I want to believe what I am doing will help people. Maybe I dont need to have all those things fulfilled by one outlet. The same goes for a relationship, you shouldn't rely on one person to make you happy. Instead, it should come from a web of people. Maybe its time I dusted off that community service hat I used to wear so much...

Friendship is Rare

Friendship is such a special thing. It defines us not only by who we choose to associate with, but also because of what we do and how we act.

The way that one treats their friends really says something about that person. Often times, what a friend tells you or does for you can really cause a deep impact. It makes me feel good when I notice things about my friends which highlights the quality of their character. Loyalty, trust, intelligence, caring, and encouragement are among the traits which I have seen in my friends and it really warms my heart. Not only does it make me feel good when my friends tell good things about me, but also the fact that I impact my friends really carries a lot of weight for me. I suppose knowing that friends value and listen to me says something about people on both ends, and that's a beautiful thing.

I've also noticed that it often takes an outsider to interpret oneself and this is another reason why I am thankful for my friends. Specifically, my friends help me see qualities in myself which I often overlook or dismiss as negligible. I guess the luxury of stepping back isn't always something one can do on their own. In fact, many things might only be discovered through the aid of another because we are so buried and tangled within our own lives that we can't extract certain things on our own.

The fact that everyone sees the world through different eyes is such a valuable thing. I think that this point is also an incredibly interesting one for me. Why do we all see the world differently? Clearly experiences play a huge role in this but maybe what fascinates more than how people get to their views is what the views are. Studying how people see and what makes their vision of the world different from mine is incredibly fascinating.

Sometimes I wonder If I could 'kick it' as a councilor or some kind of psychologist. It would be a very interesting job but I wonder if I could even get into a program or if it would even be satisfying.

Tinkering with Trouble

What is it that causes relationships to fail? There are plenty of reasons, and the list can range from anything like abuse, lying, cheating, to less cutting attacks such as misunderstandings, lack/ loosing interest, not clicking anymore. I think for me, the problem has something to do with loosing myself. What i mean by this stems from my perception of what I am as well as what I want to be. When I first start interacting with someone, I am often much more energetic, fun, entertaining. Things pop into my mind with ease, to either ask about or simply say out of the blue.

I feel that the main reasoning behind this is at least twofold; Firstly, there is no personal investment in this person upfront; I simply have nothing to loose. Secondly, this is the stage where euphoria and infatuation comes into play. The time where people are really good at ignoring anothers faults while only seeing the positives.

Now after a month or two of euphoria, the perspective and ease fades. This phase can maybe last longer at times but is that really my problem? What exactly goes wrong then? Am I so shook by the alteration of everything that I take the change as a sign of either her, myself, or both of us loosing interest and causing me to freak out, put pressure on myself and push away? Or is there something I fundamentally do wrong interaction wise? Maybe she simply isn't the one I want and a part of me sees that, therefore allowing me to act accordingly.

One of the ways I gauge how a relationship is going (friend or otherwise) depends on how much the other person wants to talk to me. If there is a divergence from that average, then I start to worry. Initially I am interacting evenly with that person but after a while I feel like I get caught up in it and become much more passive, almost like an observer. Another way to put it is that instead of two people playing ping pong, it switches to one playing against a wall. This could go for a while but with no interaction the player can A) get bored of being the only one hitting the ball, or B) slips up, causing the ball to die because the wall fails to pick up the slack.

I feel like in a sense I can loose myself after a certain point. Does everyone experience this? I think the answer is probably yes, but the real question is how do you find yourself again? Sure we all find ourselves again with time, but is there a way to recall yourself on demand, or even better... never loose oneself? A friend told me that the best way to finds herself is through solo traveling. With this situation, one will only do things for themselves. Interact when you want to interact, see what you want to see, do what you want to do. I suppose this is just like going back to initial meetings of a relationship, there is nothing to loose because you haven't really made any investments yet. So let's say that the solo traveling will help you be more like yourself again. Now the question is, does this feeling last, such as a battery is recharged? Or is it like plugging into an outlet of your core personality? With the outlet, you must be plugged into the source (solo traveling) but once you leave that source (going back to the person you are invested in) your outlet becomes unplugged, since the source is no longer being tapped. This brings up two questions:
1) Can someone actually recharge themselves by solo traveling or some other activity AND then go back to the person who you have investments in and be alright again?
2) Is there a way to behave uninhibited all the time, meaning can someone view relationships from an non invested standpoint?

I think that the answer for is yes to one both or neither, depending on the person. Some people might need to get a recharge every so often, while for others, that recharge might not be enough. For others still, I think they don't need this at all cause they either are very defined as a person, and/or derive their happiness from within, never relying on the other as their source of anything (or maybe its just not relying on others primarily).

I really struggle with the idea of being able to think of everything from a within standpoint. I mean a relationship needs two people, if you are only relying on yourself, then what is a relationship for? However the problem with relying on someone else is that people fluctuate and when you focus on another, you will misinterpret their fluctuations for something else, causing a whole slew of problems. Another thing with focusing on/ or relying on another is that you end up spending so much time watching them that you will in fact loose yourself! It seems like that is it right there. Relying on another causes you to loose yourself and in that sense you forget to even interact, which from the other persons perspective, will probably come off as you being disinterested or something of that nature. If that is the case, then how can I make the transition from relying on another to relying on myself while still keeping the other person in the picture? That is the real trick for me because If I spend too much energy focusing on myself, then how will I be aware of another? More importantly still, will I actually be deriving satisfaction from the relationship here, or would it be more like the analogy of low risk investments = low loss/gain? If you don't rely on the other there's low risk for failure but does that equate to a less fulfilling relationship? I just don't understand the dynamics of relying on oneself in a relationship and how that translates to gauging the relationship, especially after the euphoric period wears off. It's like the same problem I have now only instead of blaming myself for the failure, I would be blaming the girlfriend?

School time

The weather is starting to feel like school time. I think you know what I mean. The soft breeze slipping though leaves- soon to crinkle underfoot. The air is almost damp yet holding onto summer's warmth, not quite ready to succumb to fall's cool breath. Soon enough the squeak of yellow breaks will peak over waking hills, full of sand-filled eyes and butterfly stomachs.

It's a wondrous time, almost like new life, full of new experiences. Then again, it also marks summers close and the freedom it holds. This is alright though, freedom is cherished because of it's fleeting nature. It's time for the grasshopper to collect grains of wheat to provide sustenance throughout winter. Responsibility comes with aging seasons and therefore brings balance. When there is balance, there is order. With order comes protection, survival, and freedom; Finally brining everything full circle.

Fall is starting to appeal to me, to an extent. I do not wish for the cold and snow quite yet, but the necessity to work and learn is ringing loudly in my ears. Fortunately, I will be taking a graduate course this fall. It both terrifies and excites me because it seems like a grueling challenge, yet one I can conquer and grow from.

Oh man I really want some deep dish pizza. Anyone up for another road trip to Chichago?

It's that time of the month again...

Ok I shouldn't compare blogging to a woman's menstrual cycle but too late now.

It seems like blogging is not as fun as I had cut it out to be. Not enough leisure time, thats what the culprit is. I just wish there was more time. Maybe if there was a way to enjoy what I had just a little more... almost like a squirrel storing nuts away for the winter. I think bloc party nails it on the head in their song 'Waiting for the 7.18' when they say

If I could do it all again I'd make more mistakes
Not be so scared of falling,
If I could do it again, I would climb more trees
I'd pick and I'd eat more wild blackberries...

I always seem to want more... more memories, more excitement, more stimulation. The desire to have stored away more fun childhood memories is the same deal.
Does wanting more do anything for us? Does it change the way we think? can it make us more motivated to do things? ... or does it just make us more miserable.

Everyone wants to be fulfilled, but wanting more is like climbing a never ending ladder. If you never can reach what you want, then how can you be happy? A fortune cookie that was read to me recently illustrates this much better. It said: "the pleasure of what we enjoy is lost by wanting more." Appreciating what you have and enjoying the moment makes us able to obtain what we want, since we are simply experiencing it. I guess also living in the moment removes expectations and worries about future goals.

This reminds me of a book I'm reading by Allan Lightman- Einsteins dreams. It is interesting because there is such a balance that we struggle for. If you are focused on the future and live your life too fast, then you will Inevitably end up unhappy at some point since a lot of life is suffering. Furthermore, you will fail to appreciate what is going on around you... remember the expression 'stop and smell the roses'? Then again if you live your life too slow then you will seize to exist as a person but more as a snap shot in time... soulless and frozen. Granted I doubt that anyone can live THAT slow; In fact it's impossible. However, if you slow down too much and only focus on this exact moment in life right now, do you really live life or are you just sitting there? There isn't any contrast in either extreme. Now memories are a interesting thing in themselves. If we did not have memories we would no longer have anything to compare our experiences to, and basically remove any social fear of failure because it would be forgotten almost instantaneously. However back to the comment earlier that a lot of life is suffering, I feel like the carefree joys would loose their significance, simply because we wouldn't have anything bad to contrast them with.

Why should we want more? I suppose as humans we can't resist to self improve, but then again just seeking more things to do and fun to be had isn't exactly self improvement in the sense I would normally associate the term with. It would be more like an effort to improve our state of mind and or well being. So really, wanting more is need to create happiness and in order to do so (at times) dulls life to help restore balance.

Life is molded through unhappy experiences therefore allowing us to contrast them with the happy instances, so I suppose it's good to look ahead a little, albeit its slightly ironic that by seeking more happiness one gets farther from it. Then again, getting further from happiness actually gets you so much closer at the same time.