Friendship is Rare

Friendship is such a special thing. It defines us not only by who we choose to associate with, but also because of what we do and how we act.

The way that one treats their friends really says something about that person. Often times, what a friend tells you or does for you can really cause a deep impact. It makes me feel good when I notice things about my friends which highlights the quality of their character. Loyalty, trust, intelligence, caring, and encouragement are among the traits which I have seen in my friends and it really warms my heart. Not only does it make me feel good when my friends tell good things about me, but also the fact that I impact my friends really carries a lot of weight for me. I suppose knowing that friends value and listen to me says something about people on both ends, and that's a beautiful thing.

I've also noticed that it often takes an outsider to interpret oneself and this is another reason why I am thankful for my friends. Specifically, my friends help me see qualities in myself which I often overlook or dismiss as negligible. I guess the luxury of stepping back isn't always something one can do on their own. In fact, many things might only be discovered through the aid of another because we are so buried and tangled within our own lives that we can't extract certain things on our own.

The fact that everyone sees the world through different eyes is such a valuable thing. I think that this point is also an incredibly interesting one for me. Why do we all see the world differently? Clearly experiences play a huge role in this but maybe what fascinates more than how people get to their views is what the views are. Studying how people see and what makes their vision of the world different from mine is incredibly fascinating.

Sometimes I wonder If I could 'kick it' as a councilor or some kind of psychologist. It would be a very interesting job but I wonder if I could even get into a program or if it would even be satisfying.

Tinkering with Trouble

What is it that causes relationships to fail? There are plenty of reasons, and the list can range from anything like abuse, lying, cheating, to less cutting attacks such as misunderstandings, lack/ loosing interest, not clicking anymore. I think for me, the problem has something to do with loosing myself. What i mean by this stems from my perception of what I am as well as what I want to be. When I first start interacting with someone, I am often much more energetic, fun, entertaining. Things pop into my mind with ease, to either ask about or simply say out of the blue.

I feel that the main reasoning behind this is at least twofold; Firstly, there is no personal investment in this person upfront; I simply have nothing to loose. Secondly, this is the stage where euphoria and infatuation comes into play. The time where people are really good at ignoring anothers faults while only seeing the positives.

Now after a month or two of euphoria, the perspective and ease fades. This phase can maybe last longer at times but is that really my problem? What exactly goes wrong then? Am I so shook by the alteration of everything that I take the change as a sign of either her, myself, or both of us loosing interest and causing me to freak out, put pressure on myself and push away? Or is there something I fundamentally do wrong interaction wise? Maybe she simply isn't the one I want and a part of me sees that, therefore allowing me to act accordingly.

One of the ways I gauge how a relationship is going (friend or otherwise) depends on how much the other person wants to talk to me. If there is a divergence from that average, then I start to worry. Initially I am interacting evenly with that person but after a while I feel like I get caught up in it and become much more passive, almost like an observer. Another way to put it is that instead of two people playing ping pong, it switches to one playing against a wall. This could go for a while but with no interaction the player can A) get bored of being the only one hitting the ball, or B) slips up, causing the ball to die because the wall fails to pick up the slack.

I feel like in a sense I can loose myself after a certain point. Does everyone experience this? I think the answer is probably yes, but the real question is how do you find yourself again? Sure we all find ourselves again with time, but is there a way to recall yourself on demand, or even better... never loose oneself? A friend told me that the best way to finds herself is through solo traveling. With this situation, one will only do things for themselves. Interact when you want to interact, see what you want to see, do what you want to do. I suppose this is just like going back to initial meetings of a relationship, there is nothing to loose because you haven't really made any investments yet. So let's say that the solo traveling will help you be more like yourself again. Now the question is, does this feeling last, such as a battery is recharged? Or is it like plugging into an outlet of your core personality? With the outlet, you must be plugged into the source (solo traveling) but once you leave that source (going back to the person you are invested in) your outlet becomes unplugged, since the source is no longer being tapped. This brings up two questions:
1) Can someone actually recharge themselves by solo traveling or some other activity AND then go back to the person who you have investments in and be alright again?
2) Is there a way to behave uninhibited all the time, meaning can someone view relationships from an non invested standpoint?

I think that the answer for is yes to one both or neither, depending on the person. Some people might need to get a recharge every so often, while for others, that recharge might not be enough. For others still, I think they don't need this at all cause they either are very defined as a person, and/or derive their happiness from within, never relying on the other as their source of anything (or maybe its just not relying on others primarily).

I really struggle with the idea of being able to think of everything from a within standpoint. I mean a relationship needs two people, if you are only relying on yourself, then what is a relationship for? However the problem with relying on someone else is that people fluctuate and when you focus on another, you will misinterpret their fluctuations for something else, causing a whole slew of problems. Another thing with focusing on/ or relying on another is that you end up spending so much time watching them that you will in fact loose yourself! It seems like that is it right there. Relying on another causes you to loose yourself and in that sense you forget to even interact, which from the other persons perspective, will probably come off as you being disinterested or something of that nature. If that is the case, then how can I make the transition from relying on another to relying on myself while still keeping the other person in the picture? That is the real trick for me because If I spend too much energy focusing on myself, then how will I be aware of another? More importantly still, will I actually be deriving satisfaction from the relationship here, or would it be more like the analogy of low risk investments = low loss/gain? If you don't rely on the other there's low risk for failure but does that equate to a less fulfilling relationship? I just don't understand the dynamics of relying on oneself in a relationship and how that translates to gauging the relationship, especially after the euphoric period wears off. It's like the same problem I have now only instead of blaming myself for the failure, I would be blaming the girlfriend?

School time

The weather is starting to feel like school time. I think you know what I mean. The soft breeze slipping though leaves- soon to crinkle underfoot. The air is almost damp yet holding onto summer's warmth, not quite ready to succumb to fall's cool breath. Soon enough the squeak of yellow breaks will peak over waking hills, full of sand-filled eyes and butterfly stomachs.

It's a wondrous time, almost like new life, full of new experiences. Then again, it also marks summers close and the freedom it holds. This is alright though, freedom is cherished because of it's fleeting nature. It's time for the grasshopper to collect grains of wheat to provide sustenance throughout winter. Responsibility comes with aging seasons and therefore brings balance. When there is balance, there is order. With order comes protection, survival, and freedom; Finally brining everything full circle.

Fall is starting to appeal to me, to an extent. I do not wish for the cold and snow quite yet, but the necessity to work and learn is ringing loudly in my ears. Fortunately, I will be taking a graduate course this fall. It both terrifies and excites me because it seems like a grueling challenge, yet one I can conquer and grow from.

Oh man I really want some deep dish pizza. Anyone up for another road trip to Chichago?

It's that time of the month again...

Ok I shouldn't compare blogging to a woman's menstrual cycle but too late now.

It seems like blogging is not as fun as I had cut it out to be. Not enough leisure time, thats what the culprit is. I just wish there was more time. Maybe if there was a way to enjoy what I had just a little more... almost like a squirrel storing nuts away for the winter. I think bloc party nails it on the head in their song 'Waiting for the 7.18' when they say

If I could do it all again I'd make more mistakes
Not be so scared of falling,
If I could do it again, I would climb more trees
I'd pick and I'd eat more wild blackberries...

I always seem to want more... more memories, more excitement, more stimulation. The desire to have stored away more fun childhood memories is the same deal.
Does wanting more do anything for us? Does it change the way we think? can it make us more motivated to do things? ... or does it just make us more miserable.

Everyone wants to be fulfilled, but wanting more is like climbing a never ending ladder. If you never can reach what you want, then how can you be happy? A fortune cookie that was read to me recently illustrates this much better. It said: "the pleasure of what we enjoy is lost by wanting more." Appreciating what you have and enjoying the moment makes us able to obtain what we want, since we are simply experiencing it. I guess also living in the moment removes expectations and worries about future goals.

This reminds me of a book I'm reading by Allan Lightman- Einsteins dreams. It is interesting because there is such a balance that we struggle for. If you are focused on the future and live your life too fast, then you will Inevitably end up unhappy at some point since a lot of life is suffering. Furthermore, you will fail to appreciate what is going on around you... remember the expression 'stop and smell the roses'? Then again if you live your life too slow then you will seize to exist as a person but more as a snap shot in time... soulless and frozen. Granted I doubt that anyone can live THAT slow; In fact it's impossible. However, if you slow down too much and only focus on this exact moment in life right now, do you really live life or are you just sitting there? There isn't any contrast in either extreme. Now memories are a interesting thing in themselves. If we did not have memories we would no longer have anything to compare our experiences to, and basically remove any social fear of failure because it would be forgotten almost instantaneously. However back to the comment earlier that a lot of life is suffering, I feel like the carefree joys would loose their significance, simply because we wouldn't have anything bad to contrast them with.

Why should we want more? I suppose as humans we can't resist to self improve, but then again just seeking more things to do and fun to be had isn't exactly self improvement in the sense I would normally associate the term with. It would be more like an effort to improve our state of mind and or well being. So really, wanting more is need to create happiness and in order to do so (at times) dulls life to help restore balance.

Life is molded through unhappy experiences therefore allowing us to contrast them with the happy instances, so I suppose it's good to look ahead a little, albeit its slightly ironic that by seeking more happiness one gets farther from it. Then again, getting further from happiness actually gets you so much closer at the same time.

A Rush of Fresh Wind

Spoiled
Too much s t i m u l a t i o n
Where do I Cool down ?
Restless yet
r e s t e d.
I crave resolution.


I was bored so I tried Sarah's style. I don't think I get how to use it right.

I think I've been taking too much time to stimulate myself that I've forgotten some things that are important in life. Specifically, flux. A roller coaster isn't fun if you keep on climbing... you get bored.

In other news I have been craving pizza for a long time. I will also be going to Graduation tomorrow to congratulate the class of 2008. Keeping with my disjointed fragmented thought pattern, I think it's about time I started reviewing for the GRE, and maybe looking into what I actually want to do with my life.

Anyone want to give a call to nick? I think I am going to lend out some of my really good deal cheap phone cards, so maybe Sarah and Amy and Andy all of you can call him too. Like soon too cause I think these things expire soon...

In conclusion, music keeps me alive.

Listening to: MuteMath - Chaos

How do you get Dark matter? Open an umbrella.

Blog entry number 5...

I'm thinking maybe that the main purpose of this blog was set a little to high for myself. Since I'm not really a talented writer like Andy or as amazingly creative as Sarah, or as well put together as Amy, maybe I should just stop putting pressure on myself. It's not like I'm doing an amazing job or anything, I really should just leave this as a place to hold my thoughts. If I end up improving on my organization and or writing ability, then great.

So about the title I picked this time... I just pulled it out of some mind cobwebs somewhere. I think I can expand on it though. Dark matter... what the hell is that anyway? Some random stuff in outer space that we know something about... OH NO LOOK OUT FOR THAT RUN AWAY TRAIN!!! BOOOMMMMM

Oh sorry guys, that train of thought just got smashed to bits. That's a shame. Ok time to move on. So lets see, what to talk about... How about Sleep?

I like sleep.


The end.

ps: you get bonus points if you pick up on the video game reference

Coercing Creativity

The cause of this blog, for me, is to think about topics that strike my fancy and then analyze them as many ways as I can. At this point I've hopefully asked several questions, and potentially answered a few of them, in an effort to gain better or new perspectives about some topic. Unfortunately, I am not always at a computer or in the mood to write about these things. Which brings me towards something I want to talk about: How can you get into the right mindset to tackle a topic in a creative way? I am making the assumption that in order to write about something interesting and try and analyze it somewhat, you should be in a certain mood, else your posting will be lackluster.

I suppose that a lot of good writing comes from inherent writing ability and critical thinking skills, along with practice... but people still talk about the elusive 'Zone'. I believe that when you're in the zone, your writing and thought process or flow in a certain topic will be significantly better. So, if you need to get into the zone to reach a personal standard of writing, then the question becomes how to get to this point? I suppose this brings us back to inherent writing skills and practice. It is quite possible that some of the skill you get through practice is the ability to 'get into the zone' more effectively, and even on demand.

I am not a preforming monkey! However, I would like to be able to discuss topics more frequently and improve on my abilities as a whole. I guess at this point I'm feeling like a catch-22 has arisen... I want to write more, but I need to keep up to my own expectations and be in the zone. I can't get into the zone and write up to my expectations unless I write more. Something has to give.

I suppose creativity can be forced, and things can be written when one isn't in the zone, and it can still reach a level of self expectation, but there is a risk of loosing the satisfaction of writing in itself. Do the ends justify the means? If I force myself to write more in order to learn how to get into the right mindset for a longer period of time and more effectively, will my lack of enthusiasm in this process due to its forced nature be made up in the long run? I will write better as a result, but it will force me to do something when not inspired and therefore loose satisfaction of posting to some extent. I suppose it will also get me to reach higher levels at a faster rate, but I'm forcing myself to be creative in non creative times, in an effort to 'learn' how to will my creativity in any time I wish.

Would the ability to think creatively be obtained without force? If I were to continue to write in this blog solely at points I was in the mood and felt inspired, would I still eventually arrive at the same point of writing skill and ability to think critically? It would naturally be a longer journey for me, and I may not reach the same level as someone who practices writing much more rigorously, but would I still be going down the same path? Do skills which are not initially present arise only through forced practice? Or can they arise through a more interested will?

Sure if someone is driven to learn a new skill or topic of knowledge, they will be even more productive than the other two modes I've discussed above, but take this for example; If two people are learning guitar and one is picking up the guitar only when he is in the mood to play and wants to learn, while another guy goes to lessons, or forces himself to play guitar once a week/day whatever... will they both eventually approach the same destination? The guy making himself play guitar on a regular basis is bound to have times where he really wouldn't want to play but makes himself play anyway, whereas the other guy will only play when interested. It is Likely that they will both EVENTUALLY learn how to play guitar, but the one who just plays when inspired may take a longer time to reach his level of guitar mastery. I guess this can't really be compared because all people are different and peoples potentials are different too (or at least the effort required to reach a certain level is different for different people). However, the point which hopefully was made, is that forcing ones self to do something comes at a cost, and this cost is the enjoyment of the journey. The cost of enjoying the journey might not need to be paid arriving at the same outcome. You might argue that there is a sense of character building that comes from the forced guitar playing, which allows that person an additional bonus or skill which the other guy will not benefit from, which may be true, i am not sure. This actually reminds me of an XKCD comic... the one from earlier this week. Here it is:



How do you want to spend your life? How many times do you need to stick with something or force something to gain a skill or achieve a goal before you obtain enough character or skill? Is this necessary for learning a skill which may not be at the top of your list? Clearly those lesser priorities in life are, at times less desirable to do, and therefore would require forced creativity or learning to obtain, else going at a much slower pace. What is most important to you? I suppose once we all reach that answer then we will be able to decide how we want to get there...

I want to regress back to an earlier paragraph in a sense. When I was discussing the ability to learn something through forced creativity, I questioned if you can reach the same destination through inspiration alone or if the same level can be reached via forcing oneself to preform a task to almost manufacture creativity. Think of this as like a creativity switch; if you force yourself to paint a picture or practice art more and more, and in some cases you are not exactly looking forward to this, but you are still forcing the creativity, will you eventually learn how to be creative... in a sense? When comparing this to a person who only paints when inspired, they will tend to paint amazing things. Some of the best work is tapped through extreme emotions and essentially, a persons mood or inspiration on a topic or project. Assuming that the skill is there, being in the mood will dramatically improve ones creativity, so what about when someone practices more and more but its forced? Is it possible to learn so much about how to be creative and essentially turn it into a skill of turning on creativity, therefore raising your potential and reaching the same level of inspired creativity? I think that its probably not something that happens often or is difficult to learn. It is quite possible to confuse the idea of improving ones skills in creating things and creativity itself. Even though creativity and skill go hand in hand, they are not exactly the same thing. In writing, though I think that there may be an exception being that through training oneself. With enough practice in writing, it might be possible to take yourself to a place where writing can unlock creativity and perpetuate a mood of being in the zone. This is such a tricky topic since it is so hard to separate skill and creativity being that those with skill are the ones who pursue that field. At least by in large, people who are better at something will pick that to be what they do and will get by without having to feel inspired all the time.

To conclude,I want to make those who are unaware that I actually have another blog on which I talk about my day to day goings on. The link for that is http://www.xanga.com/Cromwell_the_3rd Feel free to frequent that for more frequent updates, because its purpose is different than this blog. Hope everyone is enjoying the Spring, cause man it's just great outside, and to be honest, the white and pink blossoms on the trees by work are nice to smell and are quite beautiful.

Bivalve Bash

I have been badgered into making another blog entry. Ok, badgered is a little harsh, I suppose encouraged would be a better word. The theme of this entry is nature.

I have recently acquired the DVD set of the Discovery Series Planet Earth. It is fascinating to witness some of the things they have to offer. What wows me the most is the behaviors of certain creatures like how male Emperor Penguins huddle in masses and rotating to get into the center of the mass to protect themselves and their eggs from the frigid conditions as cold as -60 degrees Centigrade. By doing this, they still manage to survive and keep their egg alive in one of the coldest places on earth. Another example consists of how humpback whales travel to the north pole and pairs swim in a circular motion while using their blowholes to shoot the krill into a tightly packed area between them where they can be caught easier. I could go on and on, like how bats swarm out of caves at dusk and fly in a swirling circular motion in order to confuse predator hawks, but I should stop and move on.

I read in the New York Times today that there has been some leads in discovering the chance of someone becoming schizophrenic. In fact, the papers results created a paradigm shift in the way people look at schizophrenia and how people believe that it comes about. It doesn't really denounce the behavioral triggers which may spark such a condition, but further explains that people with schizophrenia may have neurological disorders or 'glitches' as the article put it, where the development of certain neurons was incomplete, causing certain receptors to be ineffective or altered to some affect. The study they conducted analyzed the DNA of several hundred normal people along side those diagnosed with the disorder/ mental disease. Apparently there are certain base pairs which either end up changing shortly after birth or are inherited before birth and can lead towards greater chances of receiving such a fate. This leads me to thinking about how much behavior is regulated by our genes. The more I think about it, the more I believe that our behaviors are regulated by our genes. The learning we undergo is simply something that just happens to occur, or is predetermined, as a result of our genetic makeup. In a way it's cool that there is so many breakthroughs in ways to analyze diseases and genetic disorders, because we will eventually determine better treatments and cures for them. Some day in the future, things like schizophrenia may be vastly more treatable.

Now what i want to consider now is what if there are specific genetic errors linked with other behavioral or mental actions. Say for example there are specific genetic errors that lead towards mental instability or that create overly aggressive people. **(ignore the fact that over aggression is usually a hormonal imbalance or excess of testosterone in the system, I'm just throwing a bad example out there) This genetic disorder could be potentially diagnosed at a very young age, or even before birth and potentially treated. Hooray right? Problem solved? Well what about on the other hand? What if it turns out that more and more of our behavioral traits actually boil down to what genes we have. What will that say for us as a whole? Will this create a paradigm shift in the way we believe that we function as a species? If the things that define us as individuals are simply the result of genetic code errors, will it hurt our individuality? Say there were certain genes that made someone more favorable to have a good sense of humor or have the tendency to be a hard worker verses a lazy one. Would these traits be devalued because they are no longer viewed as something potentially learned but something you simply have because of your genes?

To tweak that question, if these behaviors can be predicted by analyzing someone's DNA, will it cause unnecessary discrimination or attention to those who are predisposed to certain traits? Said in another way, would this potential attention or knowledge of predisposed traits make people treat them differently from birth onwards? The ultimate question is if people know what behaviors someone will likely obtain in life, will their interactions towards said individual alter the traits which were predicted, or even cause different traits to emerge as a result? Think about this catch 22 of knowledge for a moment. If say, it was disclosed that a child was at greater risk or predetermined to behave extremely aggressive due to "aggressive genes", Would the parents of such a child treat them in a way that would exacerbate the problem, or even cause other problems to arise, which wouldn't of occurred if they raised the kid devoid of any knowledge of the "aggressive genes" in the first place?

Another angle of behavioral problems that could result from genetic knowledge would go as follows: Say for example someone was determined to have a genetic defect to have a weak heart. As a result, the parents freak out and overly shelter their child, preventing him or her from normal childhood interactions. This child would potentially be robbed of a normal childhood and the kicker is what if the kids heart could sustain normal interactions and would only be at risk of failure under specific situations, which, most likely wouldn't arise from playing in a sandbox or Rec. Soccer like the other kids. What mental disorders or confidence issues would the kid acquire as a result of this genetic information that parents were privileged to? I'm not trying to discourage such research from taking place or even saying that it would be wrong to inform a parent of a child's genetic disorders or disposition for certain behavioral actions, however would such knowledge change the outcome of a child's life... and if so, for better or worse?

I suppose one of the largest nature verses nurture arguments out there is dealing with sexuality. Do you think if it's shown that homosexuality simply is due to a genetic error in code will people treat homosexuals as people with a disease more so than those choosing a lifestyle? I wonder.

The Epoc of the Century, the Millenia of the Decade

Life is composed of routine, regardless of the stage of life you are in or who you are. Repetition is significant and almost inevitable in the grand scheme of things. We all use routine to some extent and even you say you don't, you are constantly doing something different... well even chaos has order.

It seems like routine seeks you out, or in most cases you consciously find it or fall into it. For most of us, routine is comforting but then again, some people say they avoid it, whenever possible. A friend of mine says that she doesn't find routing comforting, for herself that is. The reasoning she gave behind this was that her childhood always revolved around the places she moved to and new situations she was placed in. High school was the longest period of time she stayed in a school. Everything else was a year here and there.

I dislike routine to some extent, because i feel like life gets tuned down and you go on autopilot. However, routine is very important in new surroundings where things are unfamiliar. Wouldn't someone in new surroundings need routine even more than someone in familiar surroundings? Then again i find comfort in comfort. Is it possible to find comfort in stress? Anything is possible with people since everyone has the potential to be different.
How about we look at a nature nurture argument... are people somewhat designed to behave in a manner that causes routine. When you go eat lunch, do you tend to sit in the same seat, or talk to the same people? If you drive to work, do you pick a different route each day or go the same way each time? Another example considers scenarios of being in a prison or on a desert island. In these cases, where one is stripped of their comforts, routine is absolutely necessary to keep ones mind sharp, and sane. There has been studies showing this and basically people will do anything necessary to feel like they have something to look forward to, and something to think about. Being completely idle is destructive.

How can someone say they do not find routine comforting. Sure, excess routine can be sickening, but we all crave it to some degree. Some may say that marriage and "settling down" is falling into the ultimate routine. Those who dislike routine are opposed to marriage because it will make them feel unsettled and instead of feeling comforted by marriage will become restless and upset?

Coming to this conclusion is potentially a logical fallacy of causality. Just because people get married doesn't mean that they will be stuck to routine, and comfort doesn't all come from the routine of marriage. Clearly this road goes two ways because not all marriages are happy, but if someone was to say that they are opposed to marriage because it will do the opposite of comforting them Because they do not find comfort in a life of routine, then i feel like there is some problems with that. Maybe the fears here are associated with a mental image of what marriage tends to be and the 'restrictions' which apparently 'come with the territory' result in a negative impression of the entire idea.

As a side note, is the idea of routine derived from choices which are neutral in ones mind? Meaning, to have something become routine, is there a qualification of the action being insignificant? Such as indifference to which way to drive to work? Because if you look at something which we have to choose to to (within reason) such as eating, can you call that a routine? It is something that is done repetitively but when someone was to say 'i don't find routine comforting' are they talking things that they have a more flexible choice over? At least, a choice, which, in their mind, has minimal impact either way it is chosen? that doesn't make sense, so maybe routine is being referred to as a much bigger basket, where variety has gone the way of the dodo. Being completely clear, if the scenario goes something like ::waking up, shower, eat, shopping/ work, eat, work/chore, get home, eat, watch TV/talk with loved one, bed:: has gotta be very boring and not comforting, yet why is that considered necessary? Is married life doomed to a routine without excitement? Only if the people involved let it.

The Age of a New Era

That's right folks, I've abandoned my Xanga shell to move onto bigger and better things.  I suppose it's time for a change anyway with being in the real world now and what what all this then.

Now that I have created a new world to live in (virtually);  What should I do in it?  What is the real purpose of this creation?  Is it a means for me to express myself?  Is it a means to work through lives challenges and difficulties?  Probably a little from column A and a little from column B?  Any way you slice it, it will reflect my personality because hey, it's written by me right?  I guess my main goal is not to just recap life's happenings, but to actually say something.

Now that I've officially said nothing, I suppose it's time for a break.